The Ripple Effect: Navigating Recovery from Addiction in the Family
#5 – Other People’s Junk
One day, I came across a pile of discarded objects next to some bags of trash. Whoever had left them there had clearly felt that the objects belonged with the trash, but I immediately thought, “Ooo, there might be some good stuff here.” As I picked through it I tried to convince myself that the old wicker basket would clean up well, that I would be able to fix the wobbly chair, that the lamp would still work with a new bulb, and that the rip in its lampshade wouldn’t be too noticeable if skillfully positioned.
After a few minutes another voice in my head came through loud and clear. It said, You don’t have to pick up other people’s junk.
To be clear, I am a firm believer that one person’s trash is another’s treasure. I enjoy thrift shopping and have a favorite book shelf and a lovely antique light fixture that I found discarded on the street many years ago. In this case, however, I did not have any need for the things lying before me, and while I could have spent my time and energy saving some of those objects from the landfill, it felt much better to just walk away.
As I did, I noticed the knot of tension that had been in my stomach for a few days, the result of trying to sort out a bit of a mess caused by poor communication with the addict in my life. You don’t have to pick up other people’s junk turned into You don’t have to rescue people from their junk and You don’t have to fix other people’s junk for them.
Codependency for me has meant cleaning up other people’s messes, pulling more than my fair share of the weight, enabling irresponsible behavior by fixing and covering, and softening the blows others receive as a result of their own actions. In other words, picking up, fixing, and managing other people’s junk. Living codependently like this has come at a high cost for me in terms of stress, anxiety, workload, relationships, and neglect of other important things including my own needs and desires.
I believe my codependent tendencies have several roots. One of them is a belief that I can fix people. That is based on a few things that I am not so proud of: my sense of superiority that another is lesser than I, and my arrogance that I know better than they do how to improve. My desire to fix others is also connected to some deep stuff from my childhood, some of which is super clear to me and some of which is too complex for me to fully understand.
Another root is that putting my attention on the problems of others is a great way to avoid looking at and dealing with my own stuff. Sometimes I love doing inner work and exploring new ways to grow, and sometimes I’d rather pretend I’m fine and everyone else is the problem.
Another root of my codependency comes from a desire to help and to be of benefit to others who are struggling. We all struggle at times with different aspects of our lives, we all need help sometimes, and I love to be helpful. There is a pervasive idea in our culture that truly strong and well adjusted people can handle all challenges on their own, and frankly, I think that is total crap. We need each other, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Helping, collaborating, and lifting each other up is humanity at our best.
The key is knowing the difference between being genuinely beneficial to another who wants and needs the help, and being codependent, controlling, and overstepping healthy boundaries.
When I was first becoming aware that I was acting codependently, knowing that difference was challenging. Over time, it has become extremely obvious, so long as I take the time and make the effort to be mindful. For me, my body is like a sensitive barometer. Tension in the muscles in my shoulders and jaw, knots in my stomach, an increase in my heart rate, an odd queasy feeling in my chest, and an overall sense of contraction are all clear indicators that I’m wading into familiar and unhealthy codependent waters. Whereas when I am acting with pure intentions to be of benefit to another in need my body feels light, grounded, and open.
Emotionally, there is a subtle but palpable difference between the feeling of uplift from providing genuine benefit, and the feeling of codependency that is like an arrogant pride from demonstrating that I am superior, more capable, more knowledgeable, etc.
I think the crucial first step is asking, with great frequency, some version of the following questions:
- Am I offering beneficial help or am I sticking my nose somewhere that it doesn’t belong?
- Is my desire to help based on a sense of superiority?
- Am I acting out of fear?
- Have I been clearly asked for help, or am I taking the bait of hints?
- Am I trying to rescue someone from a situation they have created and ought to handle on their own?
- Am I trying to teach them something that they would be better off learning through trial and error?
- What does my body feel like, and in what other situations in my life have I felt these same sensations?
Rewriting patterns of codependency that have been cocreated with another takes awareness, time, and repeated effort, and it will at times lead to conflict. It is an ongoing process of recovery and takes support from resources like therapists, support groups, an Al-Anon sponsor, and the wisdom of others via books, podcasts, lectures, etc.
This kind of change also takes patience, persistence, and self compassion. Lots of it. The causes of these patterns are complex and deep, and it makes perfect sense how we got here. Change is not easy, and progress is not linear or steady. Backstepping and regressing will happen. It’s all OK. Slowly our course changes and we recover day by bay, step by step, one mindful moment at a time.
“In recovery (from codependency) we stop enduring life, and begin to live it. Instead of obsessively trying to control others, we learn to detach. Instead of allowing others to hurt and use us, we set boundaries. Instead of reacting, we learn to relax and let things settle into place. We replace tunnel vision with perspective. We acquire the art of removing ourselves as victims. We learn to be good to ourselves, to have fun, and to enjoy life.”
-Melody Beattie, Beyond Codependency