#2- Letting Go of Blame to Find Agency

“Alcoholism is a family disease… I am no longer playing my old role in the alcoholic system, and so the entire family situation begins to change. Ironically, when I give up worrying about everyone else and focus on my own health, I give others the freedom to consider their own recovery. Today’s reminder: One person’s recovery can have a powerful impact on the whole family.”

-from Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Alanon

I spent many years stuck in blame. I was convinced that because I was not drinking problematically (most of the time) then the problem was not mine. Thus, it was their problem, they were at fault, and they had to fix it. They were causing all the issues that were related to their drinking, including the difficulties and worry it created for me. Their decisions and actions were hurting me, it was their fault, and they needed to fix it.

Holding that view kept me stuck, and powerless. If it was all their fault, and change was entirely their responsibility, then all I could do was wait, hope, worry, and suffer. I convinced myself I had played no part in the problem, and I had no agency to fix it. I was wrong. Meanwhile, I was enabling and perpetuating the situation by overcompensating in areas where I felt they were falling short, and growing more resentful, angry, and righteous by the day. Stuck.

The movement into blame is tricky because it can feel really good in the short term. It feels like you’re doing something productive, like you’re pointing at (or screaming about) the truth that eventually they will see, and it gives you a focus and an outlet for your complicated and uncomfortable feelings. Blame has a honeyed tip, and a poisoned root. 

Alcoholism, like many other addictions, is a family disease. It is systemic, and everyone in the system plays a role.  When I began to see it that way, I recognized that I had contributed to how we got here, and I was continuing to contribute to its continuation. That recognition created a space, however small it may have been at times, where I could get curious. In that space, questions arose that opened up new perspectives and ideas for new actions, questions like: 

  • How did we get here?
  • What happened to them that led them to this?
  • What missteps have I made along the way?
  • What’s my next wise action?
  • If I stop doing…, what might happen?
  • If I start doing…, what might happen?
  • What do I need in order to be different, to be healthier myself, and where can I find it?

Letting go of blame does not mean allowing or endorsing unhealthy behavior by looking the other way. It doesn’t mean that anyone gets off the hook and is not held accountable for their actions and decisions. It is a recognition that the problem, and therefore the solution, is much bigger than just the addict. Anyone in the system can begin to make changes, and those changes will ripple through everyone. Can one person solve everything? No. But in the uneven and winding path of change, every step we take in a new direction has an effect on where we will arrive.