#3 – Forming New Habits

“Making and breaking habits can be diabolically difficult… A lot of us try to make or break habits, we fail, and then we tell ourselves a whole story about how we are uniquely deficient in this regard, but there’s nothing wrong with you… It just means you have to come up with some strategies so that you’re not relying on the supremely unreliable fuel of will power. By understanding the psychology of habit formation and then designing around it, you can actually make massive change in your life.” -Dan Harris, from the Ten Percent Happier podcast episode “How to Actually Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions” “One of the best ways to keep us on the road of bringing about positive changes is to connect our efforts with a sense of joy… to have fun along the way. Maybe seeing it as training our inner puppy, rather than slaying a dragon… We know that it’s not through guilt or coercion that new habits will take hold. Step by step as we find greater and greater joy in the process and meet our negative habits with a compassionate awareness, the seeds of positive change can take root.” -Alexis Santos, from the “Healthy Habits” course in the Happier app

If you’re like me, at the beginning of a new year you reflect on how things are going in your life and then make grand proclamations about the habits you will change this year. Usually, the focus is on behavioral habits. You’re going to start a new habit around diet or exercise, or stop an old habit like smoking, overeating, or excessive screen staring. Then, sometime in early February, you begin the annual process of beating yourself up about how you’ve already failed, you’ll never be able to do that thing, or stop doing that other thing, and thus you’re an even worse human than you thought you were on New Year’s Eve. For me, such spirals of self-criticism and self-loathing, instead of inspiring change, inspire consuming ice cream, watching another season of something, and going to bed. 

Underneath every behavioral habit are mental habits. For most of my life, I believed my thoughts were just me. Any positive or healthy thoughts were due to my own goodness, and any negative or troubling thoughts were due to the failings of others or some unique misfortune that befell me. Now, I see that I have patterns of thought that I have repeatedly gone to for years, if not most of my life. I learned these patterns at some point, repeated them until they became habits, and eventually the habits became so familiar that I self-identified with them. I am the kind of person who…

When it comes to my relationship with addiction in loved ones, my mental habits included blaming, anger, scapegoating, ignoring, ostracizing, avoiding, criticizing, resenting, ignoring (did I mention that already?), worrying, and believing I was right and innocent. These habits were (and sometimes still are) directed toward others and toward myself. They are totally understandable responses to difficult circumstances, but they don’t make anything better and they are not a lot of fun. Now, I see that those responses are a choice, are habits that I follow, and that I can choose other ones like compassion, discomfort tolerance, curiosity, acceptance, patience, kindness, and setting healthy boundaries.

Seeing the choice in mental habits and actually changing are two different things. I used to see habit change as a destination: I decide to make a change and then I do it and stick to it or I fail. Now, I see it as finding a new pathway that fosters growth and change, and then remembering to walk that path as often as possible. 

Imagine a stretch of forest, with tall trees and significant undergrowth, that you’ve been walking through every day for years, always on the same path. As you approach the forest each day, that one path is very clear, so naturally you head right for it. However, walking on that same path means always climbing over the same rocks, wading through the same streams, getting stuck in the same swamps, and ending up in the same place at the other side. 

One day, you decide you’d like to see some different things and end up somewhere new, so you veer off of that path in a new direction. You trudge through thick brush and thorny brambles, with some pleasant patches of ferns and moss, and though you may not be exactly sure where you’re headed, some deep wisdom (or trusted guide) tells you it’s the right way to go. When you approach the forest the next day, there is very little trace of that new path, while the old one is still clear and inviting. Only after consciously choosing to walk in that new direction again and again will a new path appear, all the while the old one pulling you toward it with its familiarity. Given enough time, however, the undergrowth will cover over the old path and the new one will be predominant. 

Seeing it that way, there’s no reason to berate myself when I find I’m walking on the old path. I simply notice, and with patience and understanding toward myself, begin again to find that new path. I can also see that the new path, even if I believe it is right, is unfamiliar, strange, and perhaps even scary. Finding and staying on it will be super uncomfortable, painful at times, and require much more than my own internal will power. I have found invaluable help from resources like meditation, therapy, books, podcasts, support groups, and the wisdom of loved ones whom I trust and admire. I also find it helps to notice and appreciate the times when I am walking on, or trying to find, that new path. Each time I do, even for just a step or two, each time I think about something in a more expansive and helpful way, it makes my future attempts a little bit easier and more likely. Tiny moments of change lead to holistic life change as they slowly form into new habits of being, doing, and thinking. 

And when I find myself completely lost in the forest, or stuck in the mud of familiar ways, I can always begin again, with hope, patience, and even joy. Any day, any moment, can be the beginning of a new year, not just midnight on January 1st.