#4 – Forgiveness
| “Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go. ” -Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
“Forgiveness is letting go of hope for a better past.” |
I recently felt deeply hurt by the words of the addict in my life. First I felt pain, then came anger and frustration at them, then anger and frustration at myself that their words still have power over me, and lastly deep sadness over all of this. As I began to unwind this tangle of thoughts and feelings, which took some time and patience, another realization appeared: “Dang, now I have to forgive them again.”
I used to think that forgiveness was something that I did for others out of the goodness of my heart, to release them from guilt over something they had done. I saw forgiveness following a pattern: someone harms me, they accept responsibility for it, they apologize, I forgive them, and we both feel better. But mostly they feel better, as the forgiveness is for them, while I walk away feeling, perhaps subtly, superior to them due to my demonstrated goodness and with a bolstered sense of martyrdom.
Now, I see forgiveness as something I do for myself, and something I can do completely on my own. The other person doesn’t need to take any responsibility for their actions, or even to be aware of the injury I perceive they’ve done to me. I forgive in order to release myself from contraction, from the grip of anger, blame, and resentment, and to let go of self-pity. Forgiving is like setting down a hot coal that is burning my hand.
The hard part is unclenching my fist. To be able to do that I have to remember that they are playing out a long line of causes and conditions that have led them to where they are, and led them to think and act the way they did. If I ask myself, “Why did they do that to me?” I can come up with all sorts of sinister and hateful reasons that will fuel my anger and self-righteousness. If I ask, “What happened to them that led to this?” I quickly soften, broaden my perspective, connect with empathy, and admit the limits of my knowing.
Some of what happened is genetic and multi-generational. Some is rooted in deep wounds from their past. Some is systemic and tied to many others, perhaps to their entire family, or to the broader culture, or to the path of history and the ripples of hurts from long ago and far away. With this recent incident, alcoholism was certainly a contributing cause of what was said that I found hurtful. The roots of addiction itself are long and extremely complicated. No one wants to be an addict, to be powerless over a substance or habit pattern. The causes of their addiction, and their current inability to see a way out of it, are way bigger than I could ever comprehend. I may have ideas and theories, but I truly don’t know what all is playing out or where it is going for them and for me. That sense of not knowing takes all the steam out of me, allows for a release of my fist, and opens me to the possibility of forgiveness.
I also need to remember that this moment came in the context of the relationship that we have co-created, thus I have played a part in what led to this, and that I am also playing out a long line of causes and conditions. While some words or actions can be seen objectively and universally as harmful, others are experienced as particularly hurtful by me, while they might not be by others. Thus, I can use this moment as fuel for curiosity about myself, which can lead to deeper self-knowledge, inner growth, and change.
Forgiveness does not mean an endorsement of their actions, or an acceptance that it’s OK to be treated badly. It does not mean reconciliation in the relationship or restoration to how things were, though it may lead to either. It must come with appropriate self-protection and establishing or maintaining healthy boundaries to guard against future harms.
Being forgiving can be equated with being a pushover or a doormat, but frankly, I think that’s crap. True forgiveness is extremely hard, takes a lot of inner strength, and inspires deep humility. Reacting out of anger, spreading the pain around, fueling fires of tangled emotion and destructive behaviors, all of that is the easy way out. Of course, sometimes I get caught up in all that, too, though I stay there for much less time than I used to. It’s only after I stop reacting to my anger, blame, and resentment by putting it down and forgiving that the next wise and beneficial action becomes clear.
Forgiveness is not usually something I’m able to do just once. It’s a practice and a process that takes serious effort and repetition. (Thus the “dang” in my realization above.) Sometimes resentments and self-righteousness appear again and again over the same incident, requiring me to let go and forgive again and again. Each time brings the same sense of opening, putting down, and lightness, and eventually the contraction is gone forever. Until something else happens, like it just did for me, and then I have to lean in and start again, with increasing courage and confidence.
In writing this, I accidentally articulated a method that I’ll share. I don’t necessarily follow this method consistently in this sequence, but I think this is a general sketch of what I’m trying to do right now.
- Feel all the feelings. Process the big ones as healthily as possible. Be patient.
- Ask “What happened to them that led to this?”
- Recognize the limits of my knowing.
- Take a deep and honest look at the part I have played in what led to this incident, and notice if some of what I’m feeling as hurt caused by them is really guilt or shame over my own part.
- Connect with empathy for their pain, regardless of the source, even if it is self-inflicted.
- Connect with empathy for all those who suffer from addiction.
- Connect with a desire for them and for me to be free of suffering.
- See that letting go of my contraction around this incident will ease my own suffering, and perhaps will ease theirs.
- Fully accept that the thing happened and that this is how it is now, letting go of my attachment to how I wish things had gone differently.
- Feel the uplift of forgiveness as energy moves toward dealing with things as they are.
- Express the forgiveness when it will be beneficial, which is not always the case.
- Take responsibility for my part and make repairs if possible.
- Look for the next wise action, which may be boundary setting, a relationship repair process, self-care, etc.
- Be ready to repeat all these steps as often as the hurt and contraction resurface, until they no longer do.